I wish things have been different. I wish I knew this is going to happen. I wish I saw the tell-tale signs. And I wish I did something to stop whatever we had become today.
I am scared. I wish I knew I was slowly losing you in the process of working hard to keep you? Was I selfish? But, I still want to be. I want you. Back. I wish it is as easy as to say the words. Not as hard as trying to be alive when there are no longer reasons to be. Sometimes, I understand… until I am again caught up on these bubbles of shame and regret.
Do you love for the moment or a lifetime? Was I just a passing moment? Obviously, not a lifetime to keep.
Was it painful when you left? Did it even hurt for just a tiny, little sting? Was it an easy choice? I wish it wasn’t. I wish you had some moments of hesitation. At least one for each year of us being together. Six times. That’s enough consolation that even at the last moment, I did not totally lose you.
But, behind all these, all the what ifs, all the wishes to make it different; there is nothing I can do when the heart no longer wants what it used to want.
*wrote this on the way from Halong Bay to Hanoi. For a friend.