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Bakit Ang Dami-Dami Nating Pinaglalaban Sa Buhay?

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Bumili ako ng kape, latte, pero ang binigay ni ate, mocha. Inis na inis kong pinagsabihan si ate na latte po. Ayokong makiuso kay Mocha Uson, pwede ba. Sa dinami-dami ng injustices sa mundo, ‘wag na natin isama ang kape.

Nung pinaghintay ako ng 20 minutes, iritang-irita ako dahil nagmukha akong halaman na hinahalik-halikan ng mga pakshet na lamok. Alam mo ‘yun. Choice ko namang maghintay pero masyado akong affected.

Sabi niya, “Ayokong masabihang mayabang.” Sabi ko, “Mayabang ka naman talaga”, with matching deep conviction sa side ko. ‘Yung tipong kahit umabot kami sa supreme court, ipaglalaban ko.

Sabi niya, “Kontodo make-up siya!” Sabi ko, “Wow. Pati make up, kasama na sa dislike equation!” Sige, ipush lang natin ang I-hate-list sa taong ‘yan baka magustuhan tayo ng iba. I-todo na natin ‘yung panlalait hanggang sa kulay ng underwear niya. Sabi nga, maliit man o malaki, kasalanan pa rin ‘yan so imaximize mo na. Nakulangan ka pa.

Tinanung ako, “Ba’t ang busy busy mo?” Nireplyan ko, “Try mo kaya magwork for once.” Dinamdam nya. Sige, ipaglaban ang feelings ‘pag tayo ay naaapi! Wala namang pumipigil sa atin ‘pag tayo ay nasaktan. Feelings mo ‘yan. Entitled ka.

Pinameet the parents ng kapatid ko ‘yung Bikolano niyang jowa. May mga nagmessage sa FB na asan daw ‘yung akin, kelan daw ako, ba’t daw nauna ‘yung mas bata. Sana maramdaman n’yo ‘yung bitterness sa seenzone ko. Kakaloka kayo. Mga feeling close. Minessage ko na lang si Mama, pwede ba pakisabi sa mga tao dyan ‘wag akong imessage ng garbage. Oh di ba, pati ba naman ‘to pinalaki ko pa.

Nung Sabado, sinita ako nung guard sa di ko maintindihang kadahilanan kaya binigay ko na lang ‘yung dala kong popcorn. Stock ko pa naman ‘yung para sa SEABA Thailand versus Philippines basketball. Hayun, 10% less sa intensity ng cheer ko. Desisyon ko namang ibigay so ba’t di ko malet go let go with matching computation ng loss?

Nag-email si Golf ng “Dear Lvi”. Sino si Lvi?? Levi kasi. ‘Yung blood pressure ko tumaas. Nireplyan ko na lang ng “Dear Glf”. Maghanapan na lang kami ng mga nawawalang letra. Priorities di ba?

Nung minsan, may nagtanung if gusto kong magpabili ng dinner para di na ako lumabas. Umoo naman ako. Hayun, nagexercise muna siya, nanood ng taekwondo, nagswimming, naligo. After 2 -3 hours, saka dumating ‘yung dinner ko. Fault ko naman ‘yun. Di ako nagtanung anung oras siya makakauwi. Kaya choice niya kahit hatinggabi pa niya dalhin. Muntik ko na ngang sabihing salamat pang dinner ko ‘to bukas.

Nung minsan, sinabihan akong ba’t may chat groups daw na wala siya. Ako ba, nang-issue na wala ako sa mga ibang groups? Kakagigil. Kakapunyeta.

Minsan, may pinakilala sa akin sa office. Nung bumalik, pinagsabihan kong, “bat mo pinapakilala eh di naman kami magkawork or any future work??” Natulala siya. hahaha Outburst. Blame it to a bad morning. Nag-sorry naman ako dahil walang sense yung pinaglalaban ko.

Ang dami-daming nangyayari sa mundo na kahit kaliit-liitang bagay eh issue na. May nagsabi na bat ang hilig kong mang-issue gaya na lang daw nung nagmessage siya sa google chat group na pasintabi dahil magmemessage siya sa FB group. Di ko makita sense so call out ko ‘yung kagagahan niya. Pero pati ba naman nga raw to, issue? Nga naman!

Sa dami na rin ng pinalampas ko, umabot na ako sa breaking point na konting push pa mang-aaway na rin ako. Feeling ko sa dami-dami ng nonsense na binabato sa akin, puno na ako. Feeling ko di na healthy. Pero baka nga ako lang talaga ’to! Marami rin akong kagagahan kaya gaga rin ‘yung mga nasa paligid ko. Hahaha Sa susunod, wag na lang kausapin ‘yung mga tao. Buti na lang mas may sense ‘yung mga tao sa FB messenger at twitter DMs. Kaya intact pa ‘yung sanity ko.

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I Need You to Have Faith In Us

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I never liked uncertainties. I am the type of person who knows exactly what she wants in life. And, I like you. So, I had long decided that labels do not matter as long as we’re happy. But, I made that decision for the two us without asking… “Are you happy?”

I wanted to promise you that I am going to stay through ups and downs. That if you decide to love me, I will love you back with the same intensity. But, now, you are giving me reasons not to. I can see the doubts and confusions; all the forced laughs and measured smiles to ward off questions about us. About me.

I hope I know how to describe us so you don’t have to struggle when people ask what to define us. I hope I am strong enough to ask if you’re in for the long run or just a matter of time before you run away. You see, I am used with everyone else fooling me on the first few weeks of being around.

I know it’s hard to trust your heart again. We were both burned and consumed by recklessness before. But, up to what extent do we keep being broken?

I hope I can finally find the words to tell you to please leave if you are not going to take us seriously. Because the more time I spend with you, the more I am falling in love with you. I am not asking you to risk it all. Just a little more faith… to us. To me.

*For a friend.

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I Want You

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I want you.

I want you and I want to be the guy who will love you unconditionally. The one guy who’ll turn your life upside down. The one who’ll be the reason behind that cute smile and dreamy laughs. The one who runs after you when you needed someone to pick you up at the middle of the night somewhere. The one who’ll always be there wherever, whenever.  The one who perfectly molds into you when you give me that life-satisfying embrace. The only one who is right for you for no one else does.

 

But, I know, deep down. I am not the man you are looking for. I am different, though should have been perfect for someone as pretty and talented as you. I am here for a short time and sadly to say, I can’t stay. It’ll just hold you back until you meet that great guy you are destined to have. That great guy who will become your world and puts you to a high pedestal where you’ll stand above the normal rest like me. He is lucky. Sadly, we will never going to be right. But know, that a part of me will forever yearn to be a part of you.

 

I just hope you know that. For you deserve a great guy who’ll fit in perfectly for you. Maybe we could be friends and someday, I will see you two holding hands together. For now, I want you and hopefully, you can just let me stay wanting you.

I want you. Bad.

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Love is Forever

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Please stop telling me there is no forever. It’s like ruining Christmas because there is no Santa Claus. I’ve waited so much for this so please don’t tell me that there is no happy ending. Because as much as I’ve been hurt for countless of times, I still believe that love can last… forever.

I understand why you’re bitter. I do. You’ve been broken and I hope you no longer are. You’ve been disillusioned by the idea that romance still exists and two persons can be devoted to each other. You have fallen and in the process, you’ve been shattered. But it doesn’t mean you have to be bitter for others. Don’t be. Look outside and you’ll see that love makes the world go round.

At first, I was like you. I was not sold with the idea of commitment but somewhere in the middle, he charmingly made me believed that love is beautiful, infinite and endless. That we could make it. That we could prove to the whole world that forever does exist. It does.

Maybe, you’re shuddering now. Or trembling with my sweet words and undying devotion to love. But, please, don’t make me believe otherwise. I am happy. He makes me happy. And even if happiness is not enough to survive everything the universe will throw against us, for me it is. I have him and he has me. We can beat anything.

So, I hope you can find yours. That guy who will make you believe that there is forever. That love is a risk. That no matter what the odds are, no matter what obstacles are; you’d stay strong and battle everything together. That guy who’ll make you fall in love. Again. And this time, it is really forever.