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Year of the Banana Split

“Wala na raw passion! Tangina niya! Pakainin ko siya ng sandamakmak na passion fruit! Sana mabilaukan siya!”

Wait. Preno. Kalma lang.

Ganun talaga. Majority ng bagay may expiration. Kahit nga ‘yung wine na dapat habang tumatagal, mas sumasarap, meron rin! Two weeks daw once binuksan. Pero kung gaano katagal ‘yung wine, ganun naman katagal ang pagmove-on ni Taylor Swift! Two weeks pagkatapos lumanding sa splitville eh humarurot naman pa-couplesville. Siya na ang patron saint ng moving on! Buti nga siya, mabilis makarebound. Kaya ikaw, don’t me! Kaya mo rin ‘yan!

I heard sina Johnny Depp at Amber Heard, nagdeppcouple na rin. Mas madrama kaya ‘yung sa kanila kasi may domestic violence pang nalalaman. To the rescue naman ang ex-wife na pinaglaban ang kalinis-linisang kalooban ni Captain Jack Sparrow. Naging battle of the ex-wives tuloy!

Si Demi Lovato at Wilmer Valderrama rin. Sabi ni Jeffie, Demi who? HAHAHAA [Ayaw nila kay Demi] Eh, si Wilmer? Who? Huhu

Sa local scene naman. Sunshine Dizon at hubby! Sabi niya sa instagram, “For almost a year you had the audacity to live with that woman in the same building where your own children live.” Oha! Audacity! Sarap gamitin. Parang nung tinanung ko ‘yung kaibigan ko anung English ng matakaw. Sabi niya VORACIOUS! Hahaha kaka-Leche Cruz-Valdes!

Sa instagram din ang labanan nina Bernard Palanca at anak ni Erap na si Jerika Estrada. Sabi nung isang follower, “and you let her go.” Aba reply naman si Dadi B ng short but sweet, “I did not let her go. She replaced me”. HAHAHA Pero hindi dito nagtatapos. Aatras ba naman ang anak ni Erap. Kung gaano kaiksi kay dadi B, ganun naman kahaba kay ex-wifey. “To set the record straight…once and for all…No one replaced anyone…” Try nila mag-usap na silang dalawa lang. Or better, kung follower ka, follow ka lang! Wag na makisawsaw. Hindi ka naman isaw.

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Sa taong ito rin nagmove on from Baby to Ex sina Bea at Zanjoe. Naiyak pa nga si Papa Z kay Tito Boy. Trumending tuloy ang #realmencry. Quits na rin sina Luis at Angel! Napahashtag tuloy siya ng #mabuhayangtangasapagibig. Buti pa si Darna noh? May happy ending. Ikaw, wala. Peace.

Lahat daw pala ng lovers na ang tawagan ay baby, naghihiwalay! hahaha Sinabi ko ‘yan dati sa kapatid ko. Opkors, tumawa muna ako nung tinawag nyang baby ‘yung boyfriend niyang mukhang tambay sa gym! Right that moment, pinalitan niya ng sweets ‘yung baby. Needless to say, naghiwalay sila after a year! hahaha Ako ang nagwagi! #bitter

Ngayun, anu talaga ang pinaglalaban ko dito?

Pwes ito. Makinig ka ha. Hindi lang ikaw ang may ganyang pinagdadaanan. Hindi exclusive ang broken-hearted feels. Maraming nauna sa’yo at susunod sa’yo. Marami na ang nagmove on at nagmomove on. Normal ‘yan. Nagkataon na sa taong ito eh casualty ka ng Year of the Banana Split. Kaya tama na ‘yang pagiging ampalaya. Try mo naman maging nagmumurang kamatis. ‘Wag gawing tambayan ang broken-heart street. Sakay sakay rin ng jeep paharurot sa move-on village.

 

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Closure Mo, Mukha Mo

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“Nakipagkita ka?”

“Oo para may closure.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Dinig na dinig hanggang outer space.

“Gusto mo lang siyang isex!”

“Eto naman. Break-up sex. One last for the road.”

Nagdasal muna ako ng tatlong segundo. Kinalma ‘yung sarili bago pinalipad ‘yung hawak kong libro.

“Six months na kayong break! Bukas ha, daan tayo sa vulcanizing shop. Patingnan natin ‘yang naaagnas mong utak.”

 

Ang closure ay kasama ng pagmomove forward. Pero tayo mismo ang nagbibigay niyan sa sarili natin. ‘Yung tipong gumamit ka ng Whisper napkin with extra wings sabay sisigaw ng I feel free. Hindi nakakatulong sa pagmomove on ‘yung pagpupumilit mong sundan, kausapin ‘yang ex mo at ungkatin ang nakaraan. Siopao asado moves ang tawag dyan. Gusto mo lang ibangon ‘yang self-esteem mong nasa laylayan. Validation sa self kumbaga. Sabi nga ni Duterte kagabi, “Don’t fuck with me! Letse kayo!”

Kapag ang isang bagay ay tapos na kelangan mong dahan-dahang tanggapin at ikondisyon ang sarili na tapos na. Hindi ‘yung maghahanap ka ng closure sa kanya. Isa itong malaking ka-echosan. Repeat after me, “isang malaking ka-echosan.”

Dalawa lang naman ‘yan – either gusto mo talagang magmove on kaya clinaim mo na lahat ng closure sa sarili mo o feeling hopia ka pa rin at steady lang. Sabay stalk sa lahat ng social media accounts niya careful na hindi malike ‘yung mga photos at status niya.

Maniwala tayo kay Krissy, “Kapag ang baso ay nabasag, wag mong piliting pulutin ‘yung mga basag. Mas masakit. Mas nakakaiyak.” Move forward with yourself at ‘wag maging dependent sa probability ng isang closure kasama siya. Para anu pa? Para pag-usapan kung sinong nakabasag? Kung anu-anung mga nangyari bago nabasag? Pagkatapos mabasag? Anu’ to SOCO? Once basag, you cannot put it back.

Bakit hindi ikaw na mismo ang kusang magclose ng kung anumang bukas na siyang nagiging dahilan ng gabi-gabing pag-inom ng emperador light. Respeto naman dyan. Sa kapitbahay mong naririndi na sa kanta mong All by myself. Tiwala lang. Hindi mo kelangan ng closure (with him) kung gusto mo talagang magmove on. Darating ka rin dun. Carefully. Slowly.

Landiin mo na lang muna ‘yung gwapong tambay sa kanto! Charot. Go out but don’t multiply.

 

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Deconstructing Kindness

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Nagbigay ka lang ng limang pisong tip, kind ka na? Nakakahiya naman sa limang piso mong kayang-kaya niyang bumili ng sandamakmak na kahihiyan sa katawan. Eh, ‘yung nagpahiram ka lang ng napkin? O nagpakopya ng assignment o nagstat ng #prayforPH? ‘Yung nagrepost ng article tungkol sa mga refugees? ‘Yung bumili ng cake o take out?

Nakakatawa na talaga  ‘yung definition natin sa mga bagay-bagay. ‘Yan tuloy nagmumukha na tayung mayabang at tanga. Shallowness at its best.

Hindi porket nagpahiram ka lang ng bag eh true example of a kind person ka na. Nagpahiram ka expecting na kung hihiram ka ng something eh makakahiram ka. Kinacalculate mo na ‘yung future benefits sa simpleng act of “kindness” mo.

Kaya nga nung nanghiram ka tas di ka pinahiram, abot hanggang langit ‘yung galit mo! ‘Yung tipong nagtakip ng ilong ang mga anghel sa tindi ng amoy ng bunganga mo! Sa susunod, sabihin mo kasi, “oi, may kapalit ‘to!” Para malinaw ang lahat. Walang sakitan ng loob.

Don’t label yourself kind if you have hidden motives and false intentions. The reality is we are so above ourselves that giving tips to waiters, sharing coins to beggars and paying for a group dinner are considered acts of kindness.

With matching post sa facebook at instagram na may kasamang #goodvibes #sharingiscaring #kindnesstohumanity. Sabi kaya ni humanity sa’yo, pakyu. Nagbigay ka lang naman ng tip to show off! Nung barya kay kuya kasi nandiri ka nung hinawakan ka niya. Nagbayad nung bill sa resto kasi gusto mong sambahin ka.

Nung minsan, sabi niya, magpapakain daw siya para sa mga mahihirap. Sabi ko na lang, sus, ano to for more followers? Memapost sa social media with captions – #givingback #charityforthepoor #kindness. Sagot mo lang naman, “Ah basta! Nakakatulong naman ako sa pagbaba ng poverty level ng Pilipinas.” Aray ko beh! Muntik pa naman kitang inominate bilang susunod na santa. Pagawan kita dyan ng rebulto eh.

Nakakahiya naman sa’yo. Sa kontribusyon mo sa ika-uunlad ng Pilipinas. Eh kung ‘yun lang pala ang solusyon sa poverty eh di sandamakmak na pakain na ‘yung ginawa. Try mo ask si Madam Leni, baka magpalugaw everyday. Sabi nga nung isa, “Nakadrugs ba yan? Baka kunin siya in 3-6 months!”

It isn’t kindness if we are expecting returns. It isn’t kindness if this is a favor in exchange for a done deed. It isn’t kindness if we have other intentions. It isn’t kindness if this is an act of manipulation.

Sad but oftentimes, we just wanted to paint an image. We are kind for appearance’s sake and this defeats its purpose. Being kind is too different to being nice. Obviously, with being fake.

Hayyy… sarili ko na lang pagawan ko ng rebulto. Binigyan ko naman si manong guard ng dalawang slices ng pizza kahapon. A genuine act of kindness! Mabuhay ako! Slow claps for myself… cough*punyeta*cough.

cough*Check niyo rin main blog ko https://levitalks.wordpress.com/ *cough

 

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Five Signs Na Mas Nagmamahal Ka

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Love is never equal and the heart is not always right. [Kasi nasa center of the chest? Charot].

Sabi nung isa kong kakilala, maghanap daw ng taong mas mahal ka kesa ikaw ‘yung mas nagmamahal. Sabi ko naman, di mo naman ‘yan agad malalaman. Hindi ‘yan parang palengke na pwede mong timbangin para malaman alin ang mas mabigat. Oo, ‘pag ang stat mo ay single and ready to mingle, ibig sabihin nun nasa “market” ka. Para kang isda o petsay na kinikilatis pero may karapatan ka ring mangkilatis. Poke dito, poke dyan hanggang mahanap mo ‘yung the one.

Never naman talaga na naging equal ang pag-ibig. Laging merong mas nagbibigay. Merong mas umiiyak, mas umaasa o mas masaya.

Pero sa lahat ng kadramahang ‘to, panu mo nga ba malalaman kung ikaw ang tanga… este, ang mas nagmamahal sa inyong dalawa.

1) Mas madali kang magpatawad.

Kung magpatawad ka parang kendi lang sa kanto. Bigay lang ng bigay. Sabi mo pa, okay lang busog na busog ka naman sa pride. Lagi mo na lang kinakain. Feeling mo kasi masarap.

2) Best in Memory ka at Best in Amnesia siya.

Sa lahat ng okasyon – birthdays, monthsaries, anniversaries – alam na alam mo kahit magpaquiz pa nang tulog. Alam na alam mo rin ‘yung araw ng unang sulyap, unang halik at unang out-of-town. Baka pati brand at kulay ng damit niya sa bawat araw na nakikita mo siya.

3) A++ for effort.

Three months in advance kung magplano ka ng couples ganap. Lahat ng ginagawa at binibili mo para sa kanya ay nagsusumigaw ng BONGGA! ‘Yung tipong hindi lang palakpakan, may kasamang luhod factor. Sabi nga ni Tito Boy, “Kaibigan, ikaw na!” Di bale na kung namax out ‘yung credit card mo o zero savings ka na, mabili mo lang ‘yung gusto niya. Kapag nagbilangan kayo ng regalo, landslide ang pagkapanalo mo.

4) Siya muna, bago ikaw.

Feeling mo isang malaking kasalanan ang maging selfish kaya puro na lang needs and wants niya. Sa relationship niyo, ikaw si Mother Theresa o si St. Francis kaya siya muna bago ang ‘yong sarili. Pero di naman niya kasalanan dahil desisyon mong sambahin pati ang dinadaanan niya. Hindi cute ‘pag pinapaikot mo na lang ‘yung mundo mo sa kanya. Minsan, celebrate ka ng “myself appreciation day”, ‘yung puro ikaw naman. Tip the scale.

5) Bodega Queen/King

‘Yung tickets sa unang sine, napkin sa unang kain at petals nung unang bouquet ay pinakatago-tago mo pa. Lahat na lang ng bagay ay ginagawa mong memento. Tapos ‘pag namimiss mo siya, parang tanga lang na nilalabas mo isa-isa at nagrereminisce with matching dutdut sa gilid ng ‘yung mata.

Hayan, ilan lang ‘yan sa listahan. Ayokong isama ‘yung mga punyetang ikaw ang unang nagtext o tumawag kasi pabebe na masyado ‘yung mga ganun. Masyadong importante ang communication sa isang relationship so kebs kung sinong nauna.

Sa totoo lang, una pa lang may mali na. Di ka naman umiibig nang may sukat o timbang. [hahaha ohmygush abelgush, padeep na ‘to] Umiibig ka nang walang limitasyon, walang kondisyon at walang hinihinging kapalit… Dapat. Pero lahat tayo feeling entitled kaya ang dami nating requirements and expectations. Ang dami-dami nating demands sa isa’t-isa kaya hayan ang bagsak, mag-isa ka. Eh, anu ngayun kung ikaw ang mas nagmamahal o nagmahal. Sa ganun eh.

Paalala lang, ‘wag mong hayaang maging hindi makatarunungan ‘yung inequality sa equation ng inyong pagmamahalan. Ang katangahan ay may hangganan. Kung mas may respeto siya kay Jollibee, please lang, magconcede ka na at kumain na lang ng burger.

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I Need You to Have Faith In Us

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I never liked uncertainties. I am the type of person who knows exactly what she wants in life. And, I like you. So, I had long decided that labels do not matter as long as we’re happy. But, I made that decision for the two us without asking… “Are you happy?”

I wanted to promise you that I am going to stay through ups and downs. That if you decide to love me, I will love you back with the same intensity. But, now, you are giving me reasons not to. I can see the doubts and confusions; all the forced laughs and measured smiles to ward off questions about us. About me.

I hope I know how to describe us so you don’t have to struggle when people ask what to define us. I hope I am strong enough to ask if you’re in for the long run or just a matter of time before you run away. You see, I am used with everyone else fooling me on the first few weeks of being around.

I know it’s hard to trust your heart again. We were both burned and consumed by recklessness before. But, up to what extent do we keep being broken?

I hope I can finally find the words to tell you to please leave if you are not going to take us seriously. Because the more time I spend with you, the more I am falling in love with you. I am not asking you to risk it all. Just a little more faith… to us. To me.

*For a friend.

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I Wish Things Have Been Different

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I wish things have been different. I wish I knew this is going to happen. I wish I saw the tell-tale signs. And I wish I did something to stop whatever we had become today.

I am scared. I wish I knew I was slowly losing you in the process of working hard to keep you? Was I selfish? But, I still want to be. I want you. Back. I wish it is as easy as to say the words. Not as hard as trying to be alive when there are no longer reasons to be. Sometimes, I understand… until I am again caught up on these bubbles of shame and regret.

Do you love for the moment or a lifetime? Was I just a passing moment? Obviously, not a lifetime to keep.

Was it painful when you left? Did it even hurt for just a tiny, little sting? Was it an easy choice? I wish it wasn’t. I wish you had some moments of hesitation. At least one for each year of us being together. Six times. That’s enough consolation that even at the last moment, I did not totally lose you.

But, behind all these, all the what ifs, all the wishes to make it different; there is nothing I can do when the heart no longer wants what it used to want.

*wrote this on the way from Halong Bay to Hanoi. For a friend.

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Twelve Funny and Embarrassing Office Moments

I and my friends have lots of silly moments in and out of the office. Let me tell you twelve out of the thousand episodes!

1. I opened my laptop and forgot that Lip Sync Battle was still being played. Ooppps! Good morning, boss!

2. A friend lives next door to his boss and every time, we “party”, his boss makes it a point to send a message, “party hard, work harder!”

3. I was googling images of funny memes when my boss walked behind me. She saw the horrifying evidence of my laziness.

4. A friend accidentally sent heart emoticons to a group chat. His boss and boss’ bosses were in the group! He apologized yet the worst part was no one sent some hearts back! #seenzoned

5. I was late so when I saw the VP in the parking lot, I back tracked. Wrong move! I almost got hit by a car so from being discreet to being miss obvious!

6. In a meeting, a manager went on happy feet mode! Nothing avoids my laser-magnetic eyes even though he tried to be discreet in removing his shoes under the table. #shoeskoday

7. I had the misfortune of sitting next to a crying colleague who had the misfortune of being at the end of someone’s wrath. She cried throughout the meeting while everyone ignored the ‘elephant in the room’.

8. Another misfortune of sitting in a meeting. This time, it was my friend. Her sniffs were background music echoing from wall to wall. As awkward and embarrassing as it was, tissues were being passed from one end to her end. #tissueskoday #crayola

9. A friend crossed path with her boss on a grocery store. DURING OFFICE HOURS.

10. I made an April 1 Fool’s Day debut by saying I LOVE YOU to a work mate. Everyone thought it wasn’t a joke.

11. I replied ALL to a branch manager’s email named Nguyen where I disapproved to pay a distributor. Turned out, the distributor was in the cc loop. In Vietnam, Nguyen is sooo common that everyone seems to have it on their name!

12. My friend’s boss called him in his office. Before he said anything, he apologized for being late, lazy and passive. So much for apologizing, the boss was just giving cookies. #bawalmagassume

All gifs are not mine. Credits to the owners.

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Love is Certain

 

“Why cheat?” He asked.

“I was uncertain so I have to be certain.” She replied.

Silence.

“Forgive me?” She asked.

“I was certain… now I am uncertain.” He replied

Silence was broken.